The Rabbit Hole

I'm just emerging from a few weeks of working on a case that demanded a lot of attention and a few weekends in a row in the office. It's been a long time since I spent an entire three-day weekend in the office. I brought in a bunch of yellow freesias, packed berries to have for lunch everyday and listened to the new Radiohead CD as loud as I wanted to but that couldn't really disguise that I was in my office for all of President's Day.

So despite my good intentions to do some writing, to get some pieces straightened up to submit for summer conferences, to get in the habit of posting here at least twice a week -- nothing happened on those fronts.

But still I carried my writing notebook in my black bag to and from my office everyday. Usually my writing notebook is a slim Moleskine or Apica notebook that can easily slip into any bag. But right now my writing notebook is a bit thicker, with a prominent spiral binding. The notebook was a gift from a writing retreat I went to two years ago. It's not the most convenient thing to carry but the quality of the paper is so wonderful I put up with the bulkiness -- it's a creamy off-white and very FPF (that's "fountain pen friendly" for those of you who are not drawn to such things).

And even though I know at the start of each day that it's highly unlikely I will have an idea or thought that I want to record, let alone find some time for dedicated free writing or anything like that, it's like a talisman. It just seems like bad luck to leave it at home.

At the end of the workday, as I switch off my computer and gather my electronic gadgets from my desk, I feel the weight of the notebook as I put my bag on my shoulder. I like it. I get a little lift of promise -- maybe tonight will be the night (as tonight was) where I can summon the energy after dinner to go to my writing desk rather than to the couch, when I can find peace and satisfaction in my own words rather than the words of others. Carrying my notebook with me everywhere makes me feel like a card-carrying member of something. And maybe I just need to be happy with that somedays.